Scott Savol, you’re dead to me.

March 31, 2005

Scott, Scott, Scott. You should have known The Smoking Gun would find you. ‘Cause this? Uncool.

Powerful you have become, the Dark Side I sense in you. (If you only knew the power of the Dark Side!)

March 31, 2005

Uh-oh. It’s official. I realize I have been treading a fine line, you know, on the cusp between American Idol Afficionado and Overinvested Freak. Then, last night, I think I may have crossed over. To the Dark Side of the Force. Alas, it is true. Oh my, this is embarrassing, y’all. The fact is, I actually cried when Jessica was booted off. I cried! Over a reality TV show!

In my defense, I had JUST watched an especially harrowing episode of Law & Order: SVU. So maybe it was residual grief. But still! As Mamaramma pointed out, the other contestants (who were absolute sobbing messes last week when Mikalah was THANKFULLY eliminated), they didn’t even shed a tear for Jessica! It was all, “Ho-hum, la di da… buh-bye, now.” Interesting… Maybe she was really a diva in actuality, so they felt no sadness. Could it be? I never really saw an indication of this, but whatev. Or maybe they got in trouble with the producers for acting like big freaking bawl babies last week! We may never know.

But me? I’m in my living room sniveling into a Kleenex, snorting out between sobs (to no one in particular), “It’s… just so… sad… you… know?” And I’m not even having my period!

To any family or concerned friends reading this post, it may be time to stage an intervention.

What is UP with Paula? No, really! WHAT?!

March 30, 2005

Warning: Conspiracy Theory Alert! Do not attempt to decipher the following “logic” unless you have approximately 182 hours of American Idol viewership under your belt. Otherwise, your overburdened brain could explode. Abort! I repeat, DO NOT ATTEMPT! ABORT!

Oh, come ON! “Excruciating”? Wha’?! Anthony was actually GOOD last night, and all he got was a lousy “It was a’ight…” from Randy. Before the judges said a word, I was all up in TGIM’s grill, shouting, “Oh, they’ll have to give him props for THAT!” And, yes, I did in actuality use the word “props,” which just goes to show you that too much television will indeed rot your brain and you may use my story as a cautionary tale for all your boob-tube-riveted friends and family if you wish. But I digress.

Alas! The aforementioned props were not in the cards for our European Idol. Oh no. No indeed. Um, hello? Constructive criticism? Heard of it? Honestly. Anwar gives a downright sucky performance and the judges at least FOCUS for a moment and tell him what they would like to see him fix. Oh. Well, except for Paula, who, while higher than Russia’s Mir Space Station, was too busy slurring her effusive, unwarranted compliments, stealing Bo’s hat, closing her eyes, swaying, and just feeling the music, yo. And by the way, why doesn’t anyone mention that freaky wide-eyed thing Anwar keeps doing? That would be helpful. In an effort to, you know, keep it real, dawg.

Not that I want Anthony to win, for Pete’s sake. I still really love Carrie. Vonzell may be finally showing up, if you know what I’m sayin’, but Carrie’s vocals are always solidly on. In essence, she rocks. Consistently. But Anthony certainly has not done as poorly as Simon lets on. I would just like to see Simon– crackhead, puppet-master extraordinaire– stop attempting to manipulate the voting AI public. But what is he REALLY trying to do? That is the question. Oh yes.

To wit: Does Simon legitimately dislike Anthony’s vocal stylings and therefore would like to see him eliminated from the competition? Or does he secretly LIKE Anthony and is simply using reverse psychology in an effort to make people feel sorry for Anthony and vote for him, like, a gajillion times so he DOESN’T get eliminated? However, neither of these possible explanations shed any light on why the TPTB chose to stick the worst possible excerpt from Anthony’s performance in the recaps at the end of the show.

It’s a crazy, mixed up world, y’all. A world in which Bo makes bad pun jokes, severely damaging his street cred; Nadia quickly metamorphoses from edgy rocker to simply spunky; Constantine manages to smarm his way into my heart; Nikko continues to inappropriately grope himself on stage; Vonzell suddenly decides to make an appearance in the competition; Blinky (a.k.a.: Scott) appears to let nerves, bad song choices, and his biological father’s rejection get to him; Anwar is exposed as a one-trick, big note, Moon River balladeer; Jessica chooses songs that are obscure and fail to showcase her talent; Anthony appears dazed and confused as to why he is continuously shat upon by the judges, and Carrie blows everyone away with her powerful, yet ever-so-slightly twangy, vocals.

Crazy, I tell you.

It’s the NyQuil talking, I SWEAR…

March 29, 2005

I am at work, just working along. Working, working, working… La di da di da di daaaaahhh… Ooooh, look! In the course of said work, I clippety jippety clacked out this sentence:

In general, when a female gypsy moth emerges from its pupal casing, it will mate and deposit eggs within 1 meter of that pupation site, which will then become an oviposition site for the emerging female gypsy moth.

Now, don’t be hatin’ on my mad writing skillz, or feel in any way inadequate or jealous that I write on a regular basis about such riveting topics as extending the reaccreditation testing intervals for tuberculosis in captive cervids, removing entire states from the oriental fruit fly list of quarantined areas, or imposing regulations on the collection and distribution of sheep semen, but we can’t all have the glamorous jobs, right? I mean, people have to be responsible for building and maintaining our roads, collecting tolls, balancing the budget, and teaching the children, right? RIGHT?! Someone MUST TEACH THE CHILDREN!!

Heh. Wait. Pupation! That is a truly awesome word! Say it with me now: “pupation.” See? Fun! Oh, those gypsy moth pupae and their crazy pupal casings and oviposition sites and all… Pupa! Hmmm… Ooooh, watch out! You almost stepped in that dog pupa! Heh-heh. How do I come up with this stuff?! Oh, it’s killing me! GAH!

No, really.

Killing. Me.

BIG Uh-Oh in Neverland

March 28, 2005

Mm-hmmmm… Looks as if Wacko Jacko is going DOWN, y’all. And not in a good way.

Oh, ew.

Next Page »