Shamon! You Know It! HEE hee!

April 28, 2005

Well, now that my days are freed up a bit, what with my disenchantment with all things American Idol (For instance this? doesn’t phase me in the least. Whatever.), I have been very busy catching up on vitally important current events. Woo-whee! Have I been missing stuff, I tell you what!

For instance, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this, but there is this singer, see, a singer by the name of Michael Jackson, who is on trial for child molestation. I KNOW! Can you believe it? I was shocked. SHOCKED, I say!

I mean, here’s this perfectly good, talented black man who is being preyed upon by attention-seeking whore mongers. Right? And disgruntled employees with a grudge (who, by the way, did not ever ever EVER report to the police that their boss had underage boys in the shower with him and requested Vaseline on several occasions while sharing a bed with said boys? Wha’?). Right? At least, that’s what I’ve read.

I mean, whatev, people. Like any parents would leave their young son alone with a suspiciously immature, middle-aged superstar who lives on a multimillion-dollar theme park-like estate in lush Santa Ynez Valley, complete with a mansion, zoo, and amusement park with bumper cars, a merry-go-round, and a Ferris wheel. Called Neverland. Where he plays with llamas and hosts children’s parties, telling the parents to go on home and leave everything to him. Honestly. How inappropriate would that be? They would clearly have to be INSANE, right? Right!

What? They DID?

Huh.

Well then, what employee in his or her right mind would see the whole shower and Vaseline scenario going on and do nothing to stop it? I mean, no one loves money THAT much, right? No one could see that and turn a blind eye, right? I mean, we all have a conscience! So obviously, it’s all a horrible mistake, right?

Shamon! You know it! You know! You know it! Hoo hoo! Hee hee! Aaow!

Seriously. Isn’t this the same man who sparked the single, fingerless glove trend (thanks loads for that, by the way), who grabbed his crotch at the drop of a hat, and who sang such classics, as Beat It, Billie Jean, Dirty Diana, and In the Closet? (Heh. “In the Closet.” Oh, ho, ho!) Not to mention Thriller (which I LOVED, by the way)! Why yes it is!

Isn’t this the same man that hosted sleepovers with McCauley Culkin and escorted a young(ish) Emmanuel Lewis to the Grammys? Uh-huh!

Isn’t this the man who has slowly morphed from a good-looking black man into a creepy, noseless, white(ish) Willie Wonka? Guilty as charged!

Wait. Actually, I am beginning to wonder if maybe the defense doth protest too much. Hmmm…

Ooooh, that makes me think of a game, y’all. Let’s say you are prosecuting this case, and the judge will allow you to submit one Michael Jackson song as proof of the defendant being a sick, child-molesting bastard. A Wacko Jacko, if you will. Which song will you play for the jury?

Me? Hell. I’d chose Billy Jean. Mother always told him to be careful of who he loved. Then again, if I recall correctly, the first line of Bad is, “Your butt is mine.” Tough call.

Hey. I’m just sayin’.

You?

America? Why you gotta be like that?

April 28, 2005

Okay, I admit, last night on the results show, when Ryan asked Constantine to choose a group and he did that little backward slide-hop over to Carrie, well, I just liked that. C’mon. Didn’t you like that? He really wanted to be there. He really wanted to be a rocker. And I was like, “Aaaaw, Connie…” Because at that point I knew.

I am not mad at Scott (okay, that’s a lie, I totally am, but not TOO much!), but I did feel bad for Connie because he looked so shocked when he was sent over to the bottom group, and even more so when he was told he was out. The eyebrow came up, y’all. Which can be totally unconscious, as it seemed to be in this case. He just couldn’t help it! Trust me. I know all about the unconscious, misbehaving eyebrow. I know.

Then he started the sing-out with “Let’s rock this!” while Ryan was still blathering on (and on), and damned if he didn’t sounded as if he were about to cry. Freak. I just felt sad. I’ve said over and over that I enjoy the excitement and controversy he brings to the show. He shook up the format and fearlessly jumped outside of the box every week. And truthfully, I think he’s a genuinely nice guy, besides being incredibly charismatic and (I’ll say it!) dead sexy, so yeah, this feels pretty bad.

This sucks, really. Paula thinks so, too. No, really. I mean, did you SEE her? Whoa.

So now we are left with predictable contestants. Anthony will belt out cheesy love ballads and make the tweenage girls and middle-aged women swoon; Vonzell will cutely sing cutesy songs and cutely be all cute; Bo will growl out classic rock and engage in intricate mic-stand acrobatics; Carrie will beautifully twang out perfectly good country songs; and Scott will arrogantly sing angsty Luther Vandross-type ballads which speak to his disgruntled Average Joe life and overall bitterness. And he won’t do it very well, at that. And then he’ll laugh at less fortunate contestants and thank Jesus.

Truthfully, I think Scott’s persistence on the show may have something to do with the votefortheworst.com movement truckin’ along, with disgruntled AI fans voting for the WORST contestant, to throw the show and give AI and 19E what they “deserve.” Which, for the record, I think is stupid.

USA! USA!

So thank you, Constantine, for the rocker screeches, the camera lovin’, the hair tossing, the duck-lip pouting, the cheesy grins, the KISS tongue, the riveting performances, the starpower. Oh, and for making sweet, sweet love to me with your eyes every week. You know you were. Don’t deny it, lovah.

Oh. And thank you, America, AI producers, votefortheworst.com-ers, whoever! for giving me my Tuesdays and Wednesdays back. I mean, now I can focus on pressing current events, such as the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes coupling, urban sprawl, and the scoop on whether or not Joan of Arcadia will be renewed for a third season.

Rock on.

What the HELL?!!!!!

April 27, 2005

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What in the freaking HELL?! Oh, I am SOOOOO mad at you America!! SO. VERY. MAD!!!!!

(I am so angry I am crying, which, cooincidentally, makes me angry, too. Thanks a WHOLE LOT, America!)

I should have watched Gilmore Girls.

April 27, 2005

Paula? Gave constructive criticism? Has the world gone crazy?
Simon SO totally rides the Connie train! I had no idea!
Randy? Has a 20 word vocabulary: (Randy to Anthony) “It was aiight. Yah, I think it was aiight. It was aiight. (audience boos) Aiight.”

Carrie: Yo, yo, yo, dawgs! Carrie brought the HONKY-TONK, y’all! Unfortunately, this was honestly not her best performance vocally, as she truly was just under those notes throughout the song. But her stage presence was much improved this week. She’s starting to let loose a little, which is great to see. In any case, she was obviously sick, as her coughing after the song indicated. Fine. I admit it! I pity-voted for her! Cause I LUV her! Oh. And I don’t like her hair extensions. Bring back the rocker hair, Carrie!

BoBo: OMG, the shirt’s so bright, he’s gotta wear shades! Too bad he pretty much jacked up the song, and he completely missed my favorite high note on “And now I’m telling everybodaaaaaay!!!!” Right?! I mean, it was more like, ” And now I’m telling everbod– (turn head, purse lips, pretend it’s all good)!” AWK. WARD. Good fake out, yo? No. Not so much, actually. Way to go, backup singers! Way to leave my man hanging! Sorry Bo! I still love you! But hey! Those mic-stand acrobatics? Woo-whee! (TGIM: Rockers don’t DO that! Put the stand DOWN, man!)

The Vonz: Shut it, Simon. But honestly, Christina? Skank. (Oh! Xtina, not Vonzell, sillies.) But skank’s got pipes, so what can you do? Regardless, Vonzell was fabulous, and freaking beautiful, to boot. Wait. I totally hate her.

A-Fed: Just thinking: Celine is CRAZY, but girl can SING, no? That being said, Anthony gave a genuinely AWESOME performance. Loved the nod to Clay at the end. How crazy was that?! A-Fed’s all, “Yeah, take THAT, bizzyotch!” Anyhoos, Anthony, in my humble yet meaningless opinion, utterly redeemed himself AND that song. Damn straight! And how cute was the Anthony Luv shown by Heather Locklear’s little daughter?! She’s all, “I heart Anthony!” And Heather was like, “Noooooooo!” Hey, Heather? Just be glad she’s out of the Barney phase, mm-kay? And don’t EVEN get me started on the Wiggles!! GAH!

Connie Baby: My favorite part of that ASTONISHING performance was when Connie’s mommy straight up described him as a pain in the ass. HEE! I think I love her. Okay, okay… actually, it was when Constantine ran over to the backup singers and was all, “Oh yah, ladies! This is how you remind me of what I really am! HAWT!” I bet they were just relieved he didn’t kick at them, all Karate Kid like, cause he was sure breaking out the moves last night, eh? Ki-YAH!! Oh, and I loved, loved, LOVED! the crouch-landing! I was all, “Squeeeeee!” (TGIM: That sucked.) This being said, it was a Nickelback song. Some songs aren’t purely about the vocal performance. Dude’s got stage presence, that’s all I’m sayin’. My Greek God Idol really broke out of his (finger quotes) hard core rocker shell on that end note, that’s fo’ rizzle! I bet the Betty boyz are so proud.

Blinky: Way cute kiddo, but if he doesn’t go home tonight, I will scream. Loudly. Again.

So, who will be going home? Honestly? I have no idea how America will vote. No. Freaking. Clue.

“I didn’t embarrass you, dude. The chicks love that.”

April 26, 2005

Oh, Ryan.
My poor, misguided, sexually amibiguous Ryan.
Did you really just say that? DID you? Really?!
Hee. You SO did.

Next Page »