How to Charm the Pants off Me

June 30, 2005


Sit right across the aisle from me aboard your very first airplane ride EVER, and during the four hours of your non-stop chatter, when we change altitude and your ears plug up, turn to me and in a loud, carrying, monotone voice tell me, “Momma, my voice! I sound like the radio! My voice is like the radio, Mom! La la la, twinkle, twinkle little star! La la la la la LA LA LA LA! MOM! MY VOICE IS LIKE A ROBOT ON THE RADIO!! HUH, MOM! HUH!!”

(Honestly. And don’t even me started on what happened when I misguidedly attempted to stop the flow of chatter– the diarrhea of the mouth, if you will– by sticking my Sony noise-cancelling headphones on her…)


June 29, 2005

I have incurred the wrath of Kristine. Sorry! I am on my sister’s computer and I should be packing, so this will be short, bittersweet and to the point. Well, as much as possible for me, that is.

Quick run down:

1. Fly to Phoenix with kids, leaving TGIM to hold down fort in VA.

2. TGIM calls to say he made offer on new home; offer accepted; gastrointestinal distress ensues.

3. Drive to Podunky Small Town, AZ.

4. Sign kiddos up for violin lessons and swimming passes, break their bikes out of storage, and head over to LaFevre’s Hawaiian Snow for Super Large Shaved Ice Cups in assorted flavors and colors; good times with grandparents, old friends, and aunts/uncles ensue.

5. Sneak out of Dodge, leaving behind for Mom a detailed daily schedule for my deliriously happy/sad/nervous kids; more violining, swimming, and bicycling ensue.

6. Drive back to Phoenix with li’l sis Candice, meet up with old high school buddies, and get sketchy on the lake wake boarding and wake surfing (pictures to come!); spectacular wipe-outing, sunburning and guilt repressing ensues.

7. Head back to VA to sign papers for new home loan. Still repressing, y’all.

BUT THEY WILL BE FINE! This I know. And so will we.

Super Fine.

More tomorrow.

“No more pencils! No more books! No more teachers’ dirty looks!”

June 24, 2005

Last day of school and the kids are Out of Control… Papers! Books! Report cards! Journals! Random drawings! Broken crayons! EVERYWHERE!

And there are suitcases! Froggy goggles and damp swimsuits! Clean clothes! Thrown about, I tell you! All willy-nilly-like! It’s Madness!

Wow. I must say, the Guilt/Excitement/Guilty Excitement about shipping the kids off to the grandparents in Arizona for the WHOLE SUMMER? Totally kicking in.

Is my heart supposed to beat this fast? I don’t think it is supposed to beat this fast. Maybe I’m dying. I’m probably totally dying, right?

Two. Whole. Months.

Whatever will I do with myself?
Whatever will I do without them?


drawing 2

I say “air quotes” because “finger quotes” sounds pornographic.

June 23, 2005

Yesterday, during my WAH day (the day in which I work at my home), I decided to play Supermom and walk my li’l kiddos to school. Because I was home yesterday. You know, working? While at home? La la la la! I get to work at home! Only on Wednesdays! But still! Mwah ha ha!

So, anyhoosy, as we were walking along, my youngest daughter skipped up beside me and cheerfully shouted out, “Only three more days left of school!”

Okay. Here is where things get embarrassing. Not for the first time, mind you, I was slapped in the face with my very own self reflected in the form of my six-year-old daughter. She smiled saucily at me and stated in her best– no, my best– Lady Disdain voice, “Then I won’t be in kindergarten anymore!” And, I kid you not, darned if she didn’t throw the ol’ air quotes around the word “kindergarten.”

That’s right… the cutest little upright Bunny Foo-Foo air quotes you ever did see! It was two little bunny-ear twitches, in rapid-fire succession, like, “kinder” (twitch), “garten” (twitch!). Okay, sure, she only used one hand, with no regard for proper air-quote form whatsoever (unlike me, an air quote purist, who uses both hands in a more angled, peace-sign approach, and wraps those suckers by the syllable, if you know what I’m saying), but her intentions? Pure.

Of course, after the initial incredulous stare (Oh, no she didn’t… did she?… did my baby just use air quotes?! Nuh-uh! NUH-UH!), I burst out laughing. I know, I know! But, honestly. I couldn’t help myself!

She just stared at me, puzzled, because of course “kindergarten” is totally air-quote worthy, right? I mean, obviously.

So, ever the educator, I took a moment and tried to explain it, tried to impress upon her the vital importance of irony and humor in this oh-so-clever form of verbal punctuation, and the subtle innuendo involved in wielding the air quote effectively, but her gorgeous baby blue eyes, they just glazed over, and she began to hum this super annoying song from Barbie in the Nutcracker (oh, THANKS, MOM, by the way!), which clued me in to the realization that I had completely lost her, and then I thought, “Oh no!” and I wondered whether or not she would be doing that air quote thingy again or did I totally ruin everything with my impromptu pop culture-slash-literary terms mini-lesson because dear God I totally want her to do it again because that was the CUTEST! THING! EVAH!

So, yeah, TGIM has officially added Excessive Use of the Air Quotes to the list of things I should refrain from doing in front of the children. Because, apparently, it is “annoying.”


Meredith Brooks. I’m feelin’ her today, y’all…

June 22, 2005

Sometimes? I’m just a bitch.

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me, I know
But I can’t change
Tried to tell you but you looked at me like maybe I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m you dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.

This woman is quite possibly my soul-sister…

Well, back to dancing in my undies… (Duh! It’s my Work At Home day! Obviously!)

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