Phoning it in this Thanksgiving.
November 22, 2005 · Print This Article
Okay. For reals, y’all. This year for Thanksgiving? I am totally ordering Chinese take-out.
No, really.
Okay, sure, so TGIM isn’t totally sold on this whole Chinese take-out idea as of yet, but me? I do not despair! He will soon see things in a different light. Oh, yes he will. You see, I have WAYS… Secret ways. Ways that would knock your freaking socks off if only you knew about them! Oh, the ways that I have! Lots of ‘em! Like that thing where I– hmm? What? Too Much Information? Oh. Riiiiiiiight…
Well, this is awkward.
All I am saying is that there is absolutely no WAY I am knocking myself out this year by slaving all day over some HUGE Savory Stuffed Turkey, Creamy Mashed Potatoes, Homemade Dinner Rolls Like Mom Always Makes, Thanksgiving Meal thing just for my immediate family! This may sound harsh and totally un-American and I will probably burn in hell for spitting this metaphorical loogie in the eye of tradition, but seriously. Every year it is the same thing: my kids focus exclusively on the mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie and I’m stuck eating leftover turkey and stuffing for a month. A month, people! Sometime even longer! Do you think I am kidding?! Because I am NOT! Honestly. There are only so many ways you can serve turkey before you resort to Cranberry Turkey Loaf and Gobbler Cobbler, that’s all I’m saying. It’s madness. M-A-D-N-E-S-S!
Oh, now, settle down. It’s not as if I’m suggesting we go vegan and eat a Tofurkey. (Because that? Would also be madness.) I briefly toyed with the idea of purchasing a Wegman’s Complete Turkey Holiday Dinner Deluxe (with Baked Brie with Apples, Cinnamon & Brandy Candied Sweet Potatoes, and Classic Cheesecake– YUM!), but the $70 price tag brought me crashing back to my cheap-ass senses.
Plus, truthfully? The whole Thanksgiving Day preparation and fuss makes me feel as if I should be dressed in a blue taffeta June Cleaver dress wearing pearls and a polka-dotted kitchen apron, busily serving hors d’oeuvres on china plates, and saying things like “Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver…” while cartoon birds braid my hair. Which is way freaky.
So, this year? I will be ringing up the local Speedy Chopstix or Dragon Sky Dim Sum or whoever else delivers on Thanksgiving, and I will give thanks for the wonton soup and orange chicken and moo goo gai pan and shrimp eggs rolls. Maybe even some tasty chow mein. And my family shall eat it and call it GOOD. Because no mammoth pile of dirty pots, roasting pans, scary cutlery, and dishes to clean? No twenty-five pounds of leftover turkey to store away? No TGIM sprawled on the living room couch in front of football game after football game after football game in an L-Trytophan-induced coma? No Gobbler Cobbler with a side of Cranberry Turkey Loaf?! Well, hallefreakinglujah! Thank you, LORD! Can I hear a big, “Hell, yeah!”?!
Amen.
I’m crying over here. Your poor, poor kids… no Thanksgiving memories for them this year.
(why do I think they won’t even notice?) Sue doesn’t want to cook just for the two of us, either. She’s a fabulous cook - maybe we should come down and she can cook for all of us. 
Your threat to order in reminded me of “A Christmas Story” when they end up in the Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner and get the Peking Duck - head and all. Happy Non-Turkey Day!
The wife, the kid and I are going out to eat. It is easier. It will be the first Thanksgiving in my life not to be around family and I looking forward to it.
HELL, YEAH!
And WORD. For good measure.
I think that’s a great idea. And I totally get not wanting to cook for just the immediate family. Maybe you could compromise with TGYM, if your “ways” don’t do the trick”, and have chinese and pumpkin pie. Not that I’m doubting your ways, because, oooh now this is awkward…
You have access to orange chicken. I hate you now.
We’re having Thanksgiving on Friday since K has to work Thursday night (and go in early to serve his minions). I bought one of those crock pots for turkeys. Totally cheating. (Besides, Mom will be here. I may be able to sucker her into doing most of the work. bwahahahahaha!)
Hell Yeah and AMEN!
I don’t have to cook any of the fixins (’cuz the circus will be touring the family circuit), but I’m with you, sistah!
I wonder if I could do that for Christmas…
Charlotte: Fa ra ra ra ra! Ra ra ra RAAAAA! Hee.
William: OMG. Ding! You are totally right. Go out and avoid the dishes ALL TOGETHER! You = Mad Genius! (Oh, and enjoy your freedom.)
Kalki: Thanks for the validation. WORD.
Bente: Woman, NEVER underestimate the power of my WAYS… but I AM doing pumpkin pie because YUMMMMM.
mrtl: Mmmmmmm! Oooooorange Chiiiiiickennnn… And, please, if you have the maternal parental unit coming, you SOOOOO have it made! Mwah ha ha, indeed. Just one look at your knocked-up, puppy-dog, “Wait, How Do I Do This Again?” eyes and she will be all OVER the cooking! Lay it on thick, yo?
CK: For Christmas I’m thinking… Italian? Mexican perhaps? Ooooooh, TAMALES! The traditional Mexican Christmas meal! YES! YUM! Fabulous idea, el Circus Duderina. Mexican. Most def.
Gobbler Cobbler cracked me right up. Hee.
GOOD FOR YOU. The lack of dish doing alone is worth it.
And I love ‘metaphorical loogie’. You are just great, Cat.
Pork Chow Mein sounds so good right now.
Mexican for Christmas is perfect, because red, white and green, y’all! It’s their flag! And the Christmas colors!