The More You Know

If you pass a Tupperware container of tasty-looking cookies with a note attached inviting you to “Help yourself!”, then seriously… just take one. Taking two, then coming back for three more (plus snagging an extra to take home to your husband because you may want to get the recipe if it turns out he thinks the cookie is as tasty as you think it is), while clearly within the “Help yourself!”? parameters, could lead to a bulk staff email that reads:

Dear Rude Person Who Ate All The Cookies,

Joe brought those for my birthday and I didn’t get even one. So thanks a whole lot, you pig! I hope you get fat! And then die!

Sincerely,
Joan

Because honestly, you don’t need that kind of negativity on top of the heartburn.

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Okay. Can someone please explain to me how Barnyard– the highly-anticipated, probably quite expensive to produce, summer blockbuster family movie, complete with big name celebrity voices (Kevin James, Courtney Cox, Danny Glover, et al)– ever got past the pitching phase? Seriously?! In my head, that meeting SHOULD have gone a little something like this:

Brain Trust: And then? This cow? Otis is his name… see, he sneaks into the bedroom and totally tips the KID! HA! He tips him! Get it! I love that part! I mean–

Executive: Wait. You named the cow Otis?

Brain Trust: Yep. Sounds nice and country doesn’t it? Otis.

Executive: (matter-of-fact voice) You named the cow Otis. HIS name is Otis.

Brain Trust: That’s right.

Executive: Um, you do realize that cows are, you know… female? What with the udders? And the milk?

Brain Trust: No, no… but this is a BOY cow, see? Otis. And–

Executive: (pointing to mock-up drawings) Good GOD. He’s got an udder, man! Cow tits! Can someone please get this idiot out of here?

Brain Trust: But… but…wait! He’s a BOY cow!…

Executive: They’re called BULLS, you moron… and they don’t have cow tits! Freak of nature!

And… scene.

Seriously. TGIM and I saw the trailer when we went to see Superman Returns (RAWR!) and we were like, “The voice of that cow, you know, the one with the prominent udder? Is totally being dubbed by a man. A man! Who the hell makes a movie about barnyards and doesn’t know that cow’s milk comes from the momma cow, not the daddy? WHO doesn’t know that?! Good LORD!” Well, clearly the geniuses producing this movie for starters. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to lactose intolerance.

BUT… I simply cannot in good conscience endorse a movie full of such glaring inconsistencies with real life. Sure, I can willingly suspend disbelief when the barnyard animals crack jokes and dance the Running Man while standing upright– because really, who hasn’t imagined that at one point or another in his/her life, am I right?! Cows! Bustin’ the Running Man!– but a “boy cow” with an udder? Really? Nope. It just can’t be done.

I mean honestly.

Teats on a “boy cow.” That’s where I draw the line.