Back to School Night in Passive-Aggressivaland
September 19, 2006 · Print This Article
(Disclaimer: This is a longish rant– okay, it’s epic, whatever– which in no way reflects any sort of ill feelings on the part of the writer towards readers who are involved with their local PTA. Y’all can’t help it if you’re weird and put your children’s education first.)
Here’s the thing… My daughter’s elementary school is passive-aggressive. Well, not the actual school, of course, due to the whole inanimate objects can’t have human emotions thing, but the administration. Dude. So SOOOO passive-aggressive. Especially when it comes to PTA meetings. Particularly when it comes to PTA meetings.
Case in point: Back to School Night. Sounds relatively harmless, right? Show up at the classroom, eat some cookies, drink some punch, chat up the teacher, ooh and aah over my child’s artwork, make a freaking run for it, and still be home for primetime television– I mean quality family time– before bed.
But not at my daughter’s school. Oh, no, no, NO. At my daughter’s school the administration are the damn RULERS of Passive-Aggressivaland! See, they have a difficult time getting parents out to the PTA meetings– and quite honestly, with this TV season’s fall lineup, good luck with that, you know what I’m saying?– so what do they do to remedy the situation? Um, offer door prizes? Hire a caterer? Install a disco ball? Hire a DJ and have open mike night? Karoake?! No, no, and NO! None of these! They trick us into attending. Trick us, I say! They bribe us with talk of tasty treats and cozy chats with teachers, and guilt us with “super special very important papers” the kids leave on the desks for us, and then WHAMMO. They pull the old switcheroo.
Here’s how it all went down last year (to the best of my recollection): First, they herded us like cattle into the gymnasium– with the poking and the prodding and the yapping at our heels: “No parents are allowed in the classrooms yet! Please join us in the gym! Join us! I see you walking down that hall, Mrs. L! Get to the GYM!”
Then– “We’d like to welcome you all to back to school night!”
Half-hearted clapping.
I looked around. “Where are the cookies?” I asked, nudging TGIM. Because I was hungry? And my motto is “if we don’t eat, we don’t meet”?
He shrugged and did that thing where he acts as if he is totally paying attention to me or what is going on around him but he’s really just thinking about college football, or wondering how many code violations the school is breaking by crowding us all into the gym, or trying to decide if he should get wax with his next car wash, or picturing me naked. Or something. Whatever. But most certainly NOT paying attention.
“Welcome! Oh, hey, say… while you’re heeeerrreee, why not have the PTA go ahead and have their first little PTA meeting? Before you meet with the teachers. I mean, since we’re all here together anyway… Isn’t that convenient?! Ha ha!– and then– THEN, AND ONLY THEN– you will be released to your children’s classrooms. Isn’t that a great idea? Isn’t this wonderful? Heh heh?”
Crickets chirping.
(They used this same strategy at my son’s orchestra performance later in the year. That PTA meeting lasted longer than the actual concert. Hand to God.)
“No, seriously. Where are the cookies?” I asked, nudging the lady next to me.
She shrugged and did that thing where she acts as if she is totally listening to me but she is really just thinking “Why the HELL is this person asking me about cookies when there are important meetings afoot? PTA RULES! I should have been PTA President! Me me ME! Wicked, tricksey, false! We hates them…”, or wondering how much artwork and assorted Back to School Night paraphernalia she is going to have to cart out to her car at the end of the evening, or daydreaming about McDreamy, or picturing me naked. Or something. Whatever. But most certainly not in any way knowledgeable about the whereabouts of the FREAKING COOKIES!
“Thank you so much, Principal blah blah blah…”
At this point I gave up on cookies because I finally realized I had been tricked into attending quite possibly the most boring PTA meeting in the entire history of boring PTA meetings. I spent the next FORTY-FIVE MINUTES planning sweet revenge.
When we were finally released to the classrooms, all the parents stampeded toward the ONE EXIT– some people got stuck, some got trampled, I won’t lie to you, it was an ugly business– and when we finally squeezed through the doors, we all made a break for it, knocking each other down in a mad dash for the classrooms…
… where we got to listen as one mother monopolized the attention of the first-year teacher– “So where does my son sit? Right here? Couldn’t he be closer to the board? He should be closer to the board. Does he wear his glasses in class? Have you noticed him squinting? You’ll have to pay attention and let me know. We don’t want him squinting. How’s his behavior in class? Well, he is a little rambunctious, you just need to show him who’s boss. What about his grades? Is he getting all A’s? I need to know if he is getting all A’s because we want him making all A’s. Can you send home a detailed grade summary on a daily basis? Okay, then, weekly? Monthly? And can you–” until I finally broke and danced perilously close to the Line of Socially Acceptable Behavior.
“cough Scheduleateacher’sconferencedoofus cough!”
Class clown? Me? What?
When it was finally my turn to visit with the teacher, I was so fired up about Ms. Chatterbox McRudesby, tricksey PTA meetings, and the entirely unacceptable absence of any sort of tasty sustenance– still no cookies and punch! the HELL you say!– that I just grabbed my child’s papers and artwork and grunted a “HellonicetomeetyouI’llemailyoubuhbyenow!” on my way out the door.
Man. Good times.
This year, Back to School Night falls on Thursday night. THIS Thursday night. Season premiere of My Name is Earl, The Office, and Grey’s Anatomy Thursday night. THAT Thursday night.
Gosh. What to do, what to do…
Yep. Looks like I’ll be paying a little after-school visit to my daughter’s teacher this Thursday, whereby I will be able to chat her up, grab my daughter’s “super special very important papers” from her desk, ooh and aah over any and all artwork, and still be home for primetime– er, quality family time. (I know, I know… I am SUCH a good mother.)
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen? Is how we do Back to School Night in Passive-Aggressivaland.
Booyah.
Comments
16 Responses to “Back to School Night in Passive-Aggressivaland”
Got something to say?
Wait. Umm…what were you saying? Sorry, I was picturing you naked.
I tried to write a reply to this, but ended up with something way to long. I guess I have feelings on this subject. I will have to write them down somewhere.
Cookies? I’ve never gotten cookies.
You just described our back to school nights also!!!!! And what a fine job you did. I never thought of the brilliat after school-chat-up-of-the-teacher. Brilliant!!!! They also sneak in those meetings at the fourth grade square dance and the fifth grade state reports, as well as the sixth grade discussion of camp night. Sneaky!!! I’ve learned to arrive late to those functions, and bring your own snack!;-)
Few things…
Every time you wrote gym I was thinking Guy You Married. If you read it like that it is only slightly amusing.
TGYM was totaly thinking about you and a colleg fottball team waxing his car while naked.
The lady you asked about the cookies was so, so picturing you naked.
Cat for PTA president.
Ok, your epic rants are the best. I’m exhausted now but that was great. And you totally made me hungry for cookies. Thanks.
Any PTA meeting w/o refreshments is completely useless. I must admit, I’ve never been to a covert PTA meeting. I usually know when and where they are.
Also, I’m on our state PTA Board of Directors, and our meetings are so long that our standing rules mandate a break every 2 hours. And the stupid health commissioner gets all pissy if someone brings a yummy snack.
And, I regularly get hate mail (but not from PTA members).
But other than that, I heart the PTA.
I am with you sistah! We always go an hour late to avoid the PTA accosting. I remember the first time……. pure bewilderment. Like an animal trapped. It still makes my heart beat fast. Honestly, I never even wanted to be a part of the PTA but if you don’t join, they send someone over to your house to say things like “We are hoping for a 100% participation this year and we are only missing the dues of 2 families. So if you would just sign this and pay your dues I will go away…….” No kidding. Okay, see you Thursday night. I will be the one with the cookies picturing you naked.
Having muchos de childrens who attend the same Elementary School, I must say that you are right on the ball. If you have to trick people into attending PTA meetings, maybe that should tell you something. Although, have you noticed the people speaking at PTA meetings? These are the folks who ran for student government at 6; stayed after school to help the teacher clean erasers; and kept asking for extra credit on tests in sixth grade, “because Princeton will sometimes ask for your Elementary School transcripts.” SHEEP! And they, with their endearing laughs, and clever puns, and they go on ad nauseum about how the light blub fund raiser they ran this year yielded 2.3% more on a median basis as compared with a rolling average of the last ten years worth of fundraisers, which means that the Fourth Grade Latin Thespian Club (of which only my daughter and her friend Gert’ are the only members) was able to buy a new punch bowl since Evelyn Gelliate’s son Elliot threw up all over the last one during the Ides of March in May Carnivale last year. . . I don’t CARE! I’ll buy the damn punch bowl. I’ll buy nine of them just to stop this inane meeting . . . my ears are bleeding . . .oh sweet mother of all that is holy please, upon our beseeching, kindly release us to the gentle peace of death!
Actually, good idea–get everyone in there and offer them the chance to sit through Ye Olde Hour and a Half PTA Meeting, or pay the kind gentleman at the door $5 a head and you can go early to your child’s classroom.
We could fund the County’s education costs for the next six months . . . .
So, briefly, Amen to you, my sister, amen.
That is so crappy that they tricked you into being in the PTA. I call shenanigans!
Also – get TiVO. I looooooooove my TiVO. You can do things during the week AND watch tv.
Well our school is so stuck up the call theirs the PTU instead of PTA (which stands for Parents Teachers united but just comes out more than P-U).
I promised my little one last night I’d go because they get a non-uniform day if we go. THAT is how sneaky they are. Bribes!
The worst was when we had a discussion over an HOUR long on why there was no microwave in the cafeteria! Make an appointment with the principal, don’t waste OUR time! Geez!
(and no, never any cookies at their school either)
“cough Scheduleateacher’sconferencedoofus cough!”
I am still laughing 10 minutes later over this!!!!!!!
LOL at Ladybug’s comment.
I have Back to School night next Thursday night…great TV night…for my TWO YEAR OLD. WTF, right?
This is a brilliant post.
And I second William’s nomination.
[...] I mean, honestly. Thursday evening was an anxiety attack just waiting to happen, that’s what it was. Oodles of neediness just gunning for me, what with Mack needing to go to soccer practice before heading off to an activity night with Katie, TD needing to go to a scout meeting, Johnny needing a diaper change, Sam needing to go a church activity, and me needing to go to Back to School Night at TD and Mack’s school (with thankfully no covert PTA meetings planned) because they had STUFF on their desks that they put there just for ME and they worked on it ALL DAY and they were SO looking forward to me GOING (see? with the guilt?! stupid Back to School Night)? Oh, and all eight of them needing to eat something before they actually starved to death? [...]
[...] cannot BELIEVE I have been ambushed by the PTA! Again! I walked right into it, too, which is such an embarrassment and a true testament to how [...]