Life Lesson #382 from a Desperate Working Momma

(DISCLAIMER: If you are already exhausted, you may want to hold off reading this. It may put you over the top, right into must sleep for a week territory. For reals. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Sometimes we discover some of life’s most guarded secrets when all we are really trying to do is just survive, to ride out whatever wave of adversity we are facing before it comes crashing down around us, bowling us over, rolling us head over heels before throwing us to shore, all choking and sputtering and blinking salt water out of our eyes then screaming, “Damn you, adversity! Damn you to hell!” while shaking our fist at the open sea and pulling out our wedgie.

Wait. Guys? I think I just lost myself with that metaphor. Hmm.

Right, then. I’ll just move on.

When I volunteered to stay over at my girlfriend’s house Thursday night to tend her five kids (18 months to 13 years old) while she and her husband went out of town, all the while knowing that I would also be flying solo with my own three kiddos while TGIM was out of town, I had no idea that I was soon to be facing this ocean of adversity. But seriously, what on earth was I thinking? “Oh, sure, no problem, ” I said. “It’ll be fun!” I said. “Friday’s my day off!” I said. “We’ll have a big ol’ sleepover!” I said. Good lord. Why didn’t anyone STOP ME?! Huh?! Thanks for looking out for me, TGIM. Way to go.

I mean, honestly. Thursday evening was an anxiety attack just waiting to happen, that’s what it was. Oodles of neediness just gunning for me, what with Mack needing to go to soccer practice before heading off to an activity night with Katie, TD needing to go to a scout meeting, Johnny needing a diaper change, Sam needing to go a church activity, and me needing to go to Back to School Night at TD and Mack’s school (with thankfully no covert PTA meetings planned) because they had STUFF on their desks that they put there just for ME and they worked on it ALL DAY and they were SO looking forward to me GOING (see? with the guilt?! stupid Back to School Night!). Oh, and did I mention all eight of them needing something to eat before they actually starved to death?

So there I was, the keys to my friend’s trusty (::shudder::) minivan in hand, standing at the front door wondering how I could possibly get everyone where they needed to be, as eight NEEDY children hit me with a cacophony of deafening cries, such as “Feed me! Feed me! I’m huuuuuuuuuungry!” and “I need a ride!” and “Are we going to Back to School Night, are we, huh, huh?!”

And as I gazed at their upturned faces, a wide (probably crazed) smile plastered across my face (musn’t scare the children), I screamed to myself, Self?! What did you do?! WHAT! DID! YOU! DO?! You must have eaten a heaping bowl of Crazy when you agreed to this, you freak! Seriously. What about OUR needs?! When will you blog? Did you think of that?! And The Office and Grey’s Anatomy are on tonight! And Ugly Betty! Oh man! And we are totally MISSING IT! GAH! And what is really frightening is that this is how I talk to myself in my head. I know, right? Rude. I really should be nicer to me. But whatever. Fact is, I suddenly remembered my trusty TiFaux and I felt much better.

It also helped that, as luck (for my sanity) would have it, a torrential downpour– complete with uncomfortably close cracks of lightening and window-rattling booms of thunder– coupled with the serendipitous arrival of a Blockbuster DVD in the mail, gave me the perfect excuse to close the door and cry out over the clamor, “Eh, it’s nasty weather outside! Bye Bye Birdie it is, then! Now who wants pizza?!”

Of course, during the movie I was called upon to define words like “fink” and “swell,” and I had to explain what it meant to be pinned by a boy (hee… dirty), and Mack wanted to know why the girls were all wearing white gloves when they were too old for dress-up, and Alli wanted to know why the Mr. McAffee totally sounded like Templeton the Rat from Charlotte’s Web, and Tanner asked between giggles if the movie was supposed to be so funny (were we laughing with them, or at them?), and could we watch the Ed Sullivan! song again, because hilarious? and who is Ed Sullivan, anyway?, and Katie wondered how Conrad Birdie could make women faint just by wiggling his hips, which naturally led to an entirely new conversation about the whole Elvis phenomenon, complete with tales of sobbing, fainting teenage girls and a sketchy description of Graceland, culminating with the recipe for fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, which, allow me to say… dude. Gross, Elvis. Just… GROSS.

But no worries here; it was all good. Ann-Margret and Dick Van Dyke worked their crazy voodoo magic and lulled the kiddos. Lulled ‘em GOOD. It was a thing of beauty.

Bedtime was later than usual, but the late hour coupled with the fact that they were all coming down off their soda and cinnamon breadsticks high? Totally in my favor. I only heard a few half-hearted bars of “We love you Conrad, oh yes we do-oooo…” before total silence claimed the house. They crashed hard.

Now getting six kids ready for school (and two others ready to spend the day with me) is surprisingly easy when you sneak out of the house at 5:30 AM to stock up on Munchkins from the Dunkin Donuts down the street. Just so you know. See, then you can walk from room to room, all cheerful and whatnot, sing-songing, “Time to get u-u-u-up!” and when they groan and mutter, “Nooooo… ten… more… minutes…” you just say, “Okay, but those donuts downstairs ain’t gonna eat themselves, you know what I’m saying?” and then stand back as they burst from their beds, on a mission to secure a handful of glazed chocolate donut holes before they’re all gone. Because Munchkins equal good times for all! Er, except for the kiddos’ school teachers after the kids have eaten several handfuls of those bad boys along with breakfast. Perhaps.

*sigh*

Point? Oh! Sure! I totally have a point! I do! I–

Yeah, I totally forgot where I was going with this story. I hate when that happens.

Okay, kidding. I kid.

Here it is, what I learned last night (and this morning) as I not only overcame, but freaking SURFED the wave of adversity threatening to overwhelm me (see how I did that? segued? brought it all full circle? eh? eh? yep, I’m gooooood)… one of life’s most guarded, treasured secrets:

Never, under any circumstances, underestimate the power of pepperoni pizza, Munchkins, and a musical.

Let that be a lesson to us all.

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