American Idol: One Down, Eleven to GO!

Do you SEE? THIS is why I didn’t want to be sucked back in. THIS! Hey, you ASKED for it. Don’t blame me. Just… take some Tylenol. That always seems to work for TGIM.

Okay, so I’ll just recap as I watch, okay? So, here goes…

Oh my, my, my, isn’t Ryan looking spiffy tonight? ‘Sup, Ryan?

Honestly. This intro is too damn long. Hey! I’ve never noticed this, but the intro has a whole Guitar Hero vibe going on… Huh. Well, at least there’s that. I can totally rock “Surrender” now. Did you know? For reals.

I don’t know any of these contes—ooooh look! Blake! It’s Blake! Hi, Blake! Looking so very cute tonight!

F-U-G-L-Y, Paula’s necklace ain’t got no alibi, it’s UGLY, yeah, yeah…

British Invasion? But no Beatles? Or Monkees? Whatever. I want Davy Jones!

Oooh, I’m kind of loving Lulu. Like, a lot. She’s sassy.

Okay, remember that thing I said about the intro? That “too damn long” thing? Ditto this opening montage-slash-documentary o’ zzzzzzzz. Bored now.

And here we go with the singing!

Okay, some chick named Haley… something is about to sing: Ooooh, I know this song! “Tell him, tell him, tell—” Good lord, woman, put those away before you hurt somebody! And I’ll have to consult the Fug girls, but I’m pretty sure dressy short-shorts? On national television? With heels and a gold… um… (sort of ) top thingy? Total fashion no-no. And bras are good. But girlfriend, you got it going ON in the legs department. Oh, you shameless hussy, you are TOTALLY getting all eye-flirty with Simon, and the dirty dog is all “Yeah, baby, yeah!” Wait, vocals? Forgettable. I had to re-read this just to remember that you sang at all, actually. See? Wait. What just happened?

Oh, dear. “You naughty little thing”? Oh, no you DID NOT, Simon.

Chris: He wants to nail a song? Well, I hope he at least buys the song a drink first. Ba dum bum. Aren’t British accents fun? I wish I had a convincing British accent. Then I’d walk around all day saying things like “mind the gap!’ and “fancy a fag?” Which… awesome? Well, well, well. Chris, I bet your song is totally smoking a cigarette right now and saying “Was it good for you, too?” Nice! But no eye-sex with the camera, please. It’s embarrassing. Oh, and grow your hair out. Then you’ll look like Blake.

Speaking of… blah blah blah… oh shut it, judges, where is BLAKE?!

Halle Berry cut her hair again?! Wow! Wait, my bad. That’s Stephanie. Well, isn’t she darling? Okay, I’m really not caring for this performance. And what is up with the freaking necklaces on this show?! It’s like I always tell TGIM, “Sometimes smaller is better.” Seriously! But he STILL won’t get rid of his bulky old iPod and upgrade to a Nano. What’s up with that? Those suckers fit right into your POCKET! That’s all I’m saying! But whatev.

Ryan is blatantly shilling phones and could he be any geek— BLAKE! IT’S BLAKE!

Hi, Blake! And you’re… spitting at the dude who’s trying to help you. Well, that’s just rude, Blake. But I still love you. And your pants. I love your pants. And I love the way you dance in your pants. Vocals? Not the best, but still! Totally enjoyable performance. And not just because I love you. And your pants. Simon agrees, but I think it’s just because he’s envisioning the money he’ll make when you bring sexy back for the THIRD time.

RYAN! DUDE! Oh, dear God in heaven, make him stop! Dancing? “Beat-boxing”?! (yes, ironic quotes) Wow, Ryan, just… attempt to be cool, man. Honestly, have you no shame?

Contrived conundrum, thy name is Lakisha: Hey. I wonder if diamonds really are forever? I mean, what about nuclear holocaust, huh? What then? (Wait, isn’t she supposed to be one of the good ones? Because this kind of sucks.) Um, I LOVE the color of your dress, Lakisha. Seriously. It’s very… green and stuff. What shade is that? Moss? Chartreuse? RRRRRREEEEEEE! Who in the what now?! Did they say “a million dollars worth of diamonds”?! A million?! Run, Lakisha! RUN!

Phil: Well, check you out. A million super good Moby jokes just flew through my head, but I’m pretty sure that—late to the party as I am—they’d be totally played out by now. That being said—Baldy? That was kind of awesome. And I don’t even LIKE tobacco, so there you go.

I’m still loving Lulu, but I think all the glass in my kitchen just shattered. Why’d she just SHREIK like that? Hey! Just feelin’ the music, Lulu? Well, CUT IT OUT.

Jordin: LOVE THE HAIR. Wear it like that always, mm’kay? Except when it’s raining because sometimes you need to realize that there are some forces in this world even bigger than a fabulous blowout, babe. Take it from me. I know things. Oh, and HELLO, that was truly AMAZING. I love you, too! I LOOOOOOVE YOOOOU! Aw, shoot. Sorry. That was just me feelin’ the music. I’m sure you’re a very nice person, but I barely know you. Bonus points for making Simon suicidal, though.

Oh, no. Sanjaya. I’ve heard about you, dude. Please. Be gentle. I’m just getting over a cold. My eardrums are all tickly and frail… okay, seriously, America? SERIOUSLY? It’s like watching a bad high school musical! (But not the Disney one because that one rocked the hizzouse.)… Hello. What the HELL is wrong with that little girl?! It’s bad, but not THAT bad, right? I mean, I’m only cringing a little bit—dude, Sanjaya, what the?! Don’t go singing in her face like that! She’s obviously overwrought. Or, not so much. Apparently she’s all, “Ooooh! Me and Sanjaya 4 EVAH!” Well, there’s no accounting for taste. And the jacket IS nice. And the hair. Okay, you’re just the cutest little thing, but dude, you CAN’T SING. I just thought you should hear it from someone who doesn’t care.

Gina: Well, at least we’re sure YOU’RE wearing a bra *cough**Haley**cough*, you know what I’m saying? This is weird. I feel like I’m listening to Kelly Clarkson. But Kelly Clarkson when she’s had a cold for a week and just ate a big ol’ bowl of nachos. I don’t know why. I just imagine that Kelly really likes nachos. As for the vocals, I REALLY love your hair! With the streaks of pretty color?

Huh. I really like the word “rubbish.” I shall use it whenever the opportunity arises.

Chris: Totally reminds me of my youngest brother. And I mean that in a good way, bro, so step off! Hee, I just thought how funny it is that if you added a “t” to the end of Chris’ last name, you’d get “Slight” and… ironic? FUN! And you can definitely sing! But I’m kind of distracted by the paisley. I mean, why don’t people wear paisley anymore? Paisley was big in the 80’s. BIG. I had this ESPRIT bag that– hold the phone. Did Simon just say “You did your thing”?! Well, I’ll be. Someone check, but I think monkeys just flew out of Wayne’s butt. Okay, I’ve decided. Lose the soul patch and we can be the best of good friends… and then you had to go and say “Fro Patrol!” didn’t you? *sigh* It was good while it lasted, man. Somewhere Taylor’s all, “WOO! Oh no he did not! did not! did not! Woo! SOOOUUL PATROOOOOOOL!” And I don’t know if I can forgive you for that.

OH. MY. GOODNESS. RYAN! Did you just do what I think you did?! On national television, no less?! Oh, you dirty DOG. Um, is it weird that I have a deeper respect for you now? Yes? Whatever, that was freaking AWESOME. I think Simon almost had a coronary, right there. Hey. Will there be fines?

Well, “sweet lord Jesus” seems to be on your side, Eliza, I mean Melinda Doolittle, I tell you what—and your stylist, too, because don’t you look so nice this evening?

Okay, so listen, no question she’s the best singer in the competition. Does anyone really believe otherwise? She’s got a phenomenal voice. No one can touch her, vocals-wise. But will she bring SEXY back? Huh? Will she? Think about it. That’s all I’m saying.

Oh, look! Crying Girl is back! Will someone PLEASE give that girl an ice cream cone or a cinnamon donut or something? Good lord, she’s a WRECK. It’s hysterical. I mean, she’s hysterical. With the tears? On national TV? In front of God and Sanjaya and EVERYONE?! I just hope her parents have money put away because those therapy bills are going to be STEEP.

Okay, so who’s going home?:

Sanjaya SHOULD, but if I were a bettin’ man, I’d put my money Stephanie or Haley. Utterly forgettable. But my opinion is merely rubbish. What do you say, America?

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