New Year’s Resolutions for 2008

As many of you know, it is a time-honored American tradition to thoughtfully contemplate how best to challenge and better oneself in the coming year, after which one lists several well-meaning resolutions that one has no intention of ever keeping, not even in a million billion years. In this spirit, I offer my humble resolve to become a valuable, more productive member of my family and society by adhering to the following guidelines:

#1: Stop procrastinating. No, but this time I mean it.

#2: Perfect Stairway to Heaven on my guitar. Because it is TRADITION. Duh. Oh, and Give a Little Bit. Um, because Supertramp is way cool, that’s why!

#3: Loosen up, be more flexible. Life is too short, right? So… I should probably stretch out every day. Oh, and take up yoga, perhaps. Yes, yoga. That should limber me up. I mean, you don’t see too many stiff yogis or yoginis wandering around, now do you?

#4: Write and publish a lengthy, involved dissertation proving once and for all that cheerleading is a sport. It is SO. Shut up.

#5: Find creative ways to integrate Buffy the Vampire Slayer and monkeys into everyday conversations. I just think it would be neat to make somebody’s day a little more surreal.

#6: Buy more boots. Self-explanatory.

There. I feel more valuable to society already.