Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

February 13, 2008 · Print This Article

Last night was a comedy of errors, really. Except sad. And very painful. Lots of pain. But a comedy, nonetheless. Bringing the funny.

Ha?

It all began when I slipped on the iced-over concrete steps outside of our house while on my way to the mailbox. I had keys in one hand and envelopes in the other and it all happened so fast, so I didn’t even have time to catch myself. So, THUD, thud, thud. Then pain. Scratch that. I meant to say PAIN. Yet, even through the haze of agony, I automatically did that thing you do when you fall. You know? That thing? When you look frantically around to see if anyone saw you fall, because 1) embarrassing!, and 2) if anyone DID see it is imperative that you do the “I’m all right! Ta da! Nothing to see here!” thing, and 3) EMBARRASSING. Hmm. Why do people do that, anyway? And by “people” I mean “me.” When a weakly uttered, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” would be so totally appropriate, not to mention awesomely pathetic? Really.

But, I digress. Luckily I was able to pick myself up, and– clutching my back– managed to stagger back through my front door before passing out. Coincidentally, Alli was watching Madagscar and was just at the part where Alex the Lion has been nailed with tranquilizer darts and is in a psychedelic delirium. I know, right? It lent itself well to my own confused thinking during my dramatic collapse and loss of consciousness. Mood music, if you will. Hey, mad props on the timing, Fate! You bizzyotch.

When I came to, TD was on the phone with 911. I guess when I came staggering through the front door babbling about how I thought I’d broken my tailbone and to “call DAD!” he insisted on calling 911 first. He apparently told me (several times, allegedly), “Okay, I’ll call Dad, but 911 FIRST!” At the time, 911 meant nothing to me, just random numbers he kept throwing around. Like 12. Or 7. I couldn’t understand why he was so fixated on those stupid numbers when clearly I needed him to call TGIM. I’m pretty proud of the kid, actually. He stayed calm, followed the directions of the 911 dispatcher, and took care of his utterly freaked-out sisters. Of course, the four blankets he and the girls ripped off the beds and threw over me may have been overkill on the whole “Keep her warm!” directive, but still… proud!

So… I got my first ambulance ride out of the experience. But I have to say it wasn’t as fun as one would think. Probably because of the neck brace, the backboard, the IV, and the excruciating pain. Probably.

At the hospital they took x-rays (after three hours) and told me that while I didn’t appear to have broken anything, my coccyx was badly bruised (along with my dignity) and I will have to check back with my doctor on Friday, in case of internal bruising or a herniated lumbar disc or some such nonsense. You know what? Herniated is a funny word. HER-NEE-AAAY-TED. See? Funny.

After about six hours in the emergency room, they finally decided to discharge me. Yes, even though it was after midnight. And TGIM and the kiddos were at home in bed (thinking I was staying the night). But the emergency room was swamped and they needed the bed, so there you go. Unfortunately, in their haste, they did not take the time to do the little things. You know, like check my blood pressure? Which is a good idea when a patient tells you repeatedly that she has low blood pressure, and you decide to hop her up on Percocet anyway (on an empty stomach, no less), and then leave her laid out on a stretcher for six hours.

Because when you pull out her IV and point her toward the exit, and she decides to take a pit stop at the emergency room bathroom (IV? six hours? duh?), no good can come of it. None. Zilch. And wouldn’t you know it? No matter how sternly I told myself that I would NOT pass out– no, absolutely NOT, under no circumstances, I am not even JOKING!– the next thing I knew I was still coming to with my cheek pressed against the cool tiles of the bathroom floor. The kicker? I apparently twisted my ankle on the way down, just before I broke my fall with my face. Of course, having been unconscious during the fall, I didn’t feel a thing, so that was a mercy. Then again, I feel it now. Which… no fun at all? And while the sprained ankle seems reasonable to concerned friends and family, how do I explain the bruises and swelling on my face, when I purportedly fell on my bum?

Oh, I guess I just did. Sa-WEET.

Hey. You know what else is a funny word? Percocet. Ha! It’s loopy doopy. Percocet…

Comments

21 Responses to “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

  1. Nils on February 13th, 2008 8:34 pm

    Oh, poor darlin’ …. I feel for you. Having hurt my back before, I know what the pain can be like. But this was a whole adventure, and none of it good. Feel better soon, sweetie.

  2. Ern on February 13th, 2008 9:10 pm

    If you had waited a few months, Kalki could have been the handy-dandy one to take care of you on your first ambulance ride!

    Seriously, though, enjoy the Percocet and feel better soon!

  3. William on February 13th, 2008 9:38 pm

    Wow. Yay for the kids calling 12-7. That rocks that they were calm and what not. I hope you feel better soon. Not percocet better but all around better.

  4. Bente on February 13th, 2008 11:17 pm

    Wow! I mean, wow. I’m really impressed with your kiddos, they did good. I hope you feel better soon.

  5. BigHeavy on February 14th, 2008 10:19 am

    this may make you feel better:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XT1jaHjwco
    awesome post btw. best i’ve read in a long time.

  6. RC on February 14th, 2008 10:48 am

    Oh my… oh my…

    I’m feeling so bad for you right now, except that I bet you are busy playing with percocet, which naughty me, makes me feel jealous right now. Just from the aspect of I know how nice it would feel to feel a little loopy right now.

    As for the other part of this, the falling, twice no less, I’m totally not jealous, and can say, “been there, done that,” for all of it except that whole ambulance ride and ER visit part – my falls never resulted in that. Good kids, though, and glad they are looking out for you!

    Now, this is what is going through my head:

    “Catch me, I’m falling…
    Catch me now, I’m falling, falling in love…” (It is Valentine’s Day after all…)

    Or, due to the circumstances, I can hear the theme song from the old TV program, “The Fall Guy.”

    Choose whichever one you would like – just hope you feel better soon!

  7. LadyBug on February 15th, 2008 11:06 am

    Good grief, Cat! How scary! So glad you’re okay.

  8. CircusKelli on February 15th, 2008 12:47 pm

    Ow ow ow!! I’m glad you’re ok now. The kiddos did the right thing!

  9. Super Sarah Ann on February 16th, 2008 12:19 am

    Pictures. Pictures PLEASE! Hope you feel better soon!

  10. Leane on February 16th, 2008 12:13 pm

    OMG.. How long did it take them to find you in the bathroom passed out? What happened after that? (Inquiring minds want to know) and I’m hoping you are feeling better VERY SOON!!

  11. Ashby on February 19th, 2008 8:09 am

    Oh Cat! You poor thing! How are you doing now? I hope you get better soon!!!

  12. OddMix on February 19th, 2008 11:47 am

    Ouch! I hope you recuperate quickly! Recuperate is a funny word, too.

  13. Paige on February 21st, 2008 11:25 am

    You didn’t mention if you had been able to get your pants up before you passed out. . . .
    Oh, and I hope you feel better soon!

  14. cat on February 21st, 2008 8:08 pm

    Pleading the 5th, Paige. Pleading the 5th.

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  18. jean baldridge yates on February 6th, 2014 4:05 pm

    I fell down twice today and the day is still young…and so was the doctor I just got back from! xox jean

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