I’m Taking a Stand
March 11, 2008 · Print This Article
Pockets are handy. You know? You can put stuff in them. You can keep your hands warm in them. Sometimes you find money in them. See? Handy! I am going to take a stand and say that pockets are good.
So yesterday, when I found myself pocketless– don’t ask how this happened, I have no idea what craziness compelled me to buy pocketless pants– I was at a loss. Where was I supposed to put stuff? And what if my hands got cold?! Huh? What then? And I’m not going to lie, a little windfall of forgotten change for a Diet Dr. Pepper would not have been unwelcome, thank you VERY much William Willet. (Damn you, Daylight Savings Time! DAMN YOU.)
So when I realized it was imperative to my workday productivity– and quite honestly, my usefulness as a human being in general– that I get caffeine in my system, like, STAT, I was like, “Oh, NO!” Right out loud, just like that. Because of the pockets? That weren’t there? Hello? Where was I supposed to put my MONEY? Honestly. I can’t just walk around clutching a dollar. Do you know how often I misplace my belongings? Do you?! Do you know how often I absently set things down and walk away? DO YOU?! Well, it is OFTEN, I tell you what. Which is very inconvenient, I must say, especially when that thing I set down is my wallet (in a grocery cart) or my child (also in a grocery cart). Oh, that last part was a joke. Clearly! I would never misplace my children! As far as you know!
And then, as so often happens when one’s back is pressed to the wall, I had a moment of epiphany. Heart hammering, I checked to see if the coast was clear– ohmygosh!– it was– ohmygoodness!– so without further hesitation I folded up that dollar bill and tucked it right into my bra. DUDE! I know, right?! I employed the classic bra stash! And let me tell you, that is not something I had ever considered. Not even remotely. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, the bra? Not exactly sartorially relevant in my life. Hey, I’m just saying that it doesn’t have to work very hard for me, and seems more of a nuisance than a help, what with the slipping straps and the stress of coordinating colors and whatnot. And let’s just say that the women who regularly bra stash as portrayed in TV and film are not exactly my peers in the *ahem* boobilicious department. Yet, here I was, actually getting some mileage from my heretofore irrelevant undergarments! SWEET.
Well, let me tell you, once I realized that my money was safely stowed away, safe from being misplaced, I felt pretty good. Sassy, even. I had MONEY in my BRA. How cool is that?! As I strolled with a bit of a jaunty air– hey, don’t judge– to the employee lounge, I imagined all sorts of other items that could be stowed away… business cards, sticks of gum, credit cards, notes with passwords or phone numbers… oh, the possibilities!
As I approached the vending machine, I decided that loose change was out of the question, clearly, but was a price I was willing to pay for peace of mind when I am caught pocketless and unawares. Coming out of my pleasant reverie, I nodded hello to the person standing at the next vending machine. Then I noticed the fifteen or so other people in the lounge, milling about. I could feel their eyes on me. Watching. Waiting. It’s like they KNEW or something! And they were judging me for my wanton ways! I mean, there was MONEY in my BRA! And, what? Was I just going to reach in and brazenly pull my dollar out of my bra, just like that?! Good LORD! I hadn’t thought this through!
STOP STARING AT ME! I thought, my heart beating wildly…
As a line began to form behind me, I realized I would have to suck it up or remain in my present state of decaffeinated non-productivity.
Caffeine won.
I slowly turned back to the machine, took a deep breath, and with my flushed face proudly held aloft I reached into my shirt, fished out my folded dollar bill, and snapped it open with a flourish. Ha! I thought. Take THAT, judgmental bystanders! And when that can of Diet Dr. Pepper finally dropped– thunk thunk! – I calmly retrieved it… and I got the hell out of there, vowing to donate my pocketless pants to the needy and leave bra stashing to the experts, by golly.
So… yeah. Pockets are handy. I’m taking a stand.
You should just start wearing your bra outside your shirt. Much easier to use as pockets that way….
There is a comedian who does a whole bit on why do Pajamas have pockets. Pretty funny.
Did George Washington have a smile on his face?
Okay, I’ll admit, I’m one of the experts…
But, if God graced me with these, umm, assets, then I might as well use them to my advantage and make my bra perform double-duty (pun intended), right?
What you need to do in these situations is wear a shirt conducive to bra retrieval. Not low cut, but with a slight v-neck works well. One hand up to the opposite side of your face, cupping your chin (like you are trying to make a decision), and the other hand goes under that hand/arm slightly to slide your thumb in a retrieve the money.
Otherwise, socks work well in these cases, too. Most people don’t judge (anymore) if they get a glimpse of an ankle. Well, they may judge, since feet are also in the sock, tending to make it sweaty and slightly stinky, but just another option.
Who needs caffeine when they have your humor to pep them up in the middle of the day?! Thanks for the pick-me-up!
Pockets are essential. Especially if one needs to transport a Wocket.
Damn Charlotte that was a good one.
I tend to tuck my glasses in the front of my shirt ,and I’ll admit, I too have carried cash in my bra on occasion. But last week was a first for me. While standing in line at the grocery store, I heard a cell phone ring, and then saw the woman in front of me reach INTO her BRA to answer it!! That was the largest cell phone case I’ve ever seen. I may be able to give up carrying a purse all together…..
I was just gonna say, I personally know a woman who stashes her Crackberry in her bra. Set, usually, to “vibrate”. It’s … interesting.