Royally Screwed
March 26, 2008 · Print This Article
As I sat at a traffic signal a few moments ago, stopped at a green light, my feelings quickly descended from the heady heights of annoyance– I mean, STOPPED! at a GREEN LIGHT!– into the realm of somber thoughtfulness, which was most likely a natural progression of thought due to the mile-long funeral procession crossing in front of me through the light.
And as I watched the cavalcade of mourners roll slowly by, preceded by motorcycle police officers with their sirens and lights providing guaranteed right-of-way to the hearse containing the casketed remains which followed closely behind, something pretty earth-shattering occurred to me.
See, I suddenly realized the only time I will ever be treated even remotely like royalty– with cavalcades equipped with sirens and lights and special flashers, and adoring family and friends following me around– I will be totally DEAD. And thus, completely unable to enjoy the experience. And heaven knows that my family and friends won’t have a good time, what with being all wrecked with sadness and whatnot over the tragedy of their loss. You know, of me. Right? Right?! Dude, I’m saying.
In what universe is that fair?
Benjamin Franklin once said, “Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.” And today I suddenly realized that in both? Well, I get totally gypped.
Sad, isn’t it? I think most of us feel slightly screwed that way.
I know, right? And if you put together the two certainties, you come up with death TAXES. Honestly. How can I be taxed for DYING?!
Gypped, I tell you. Totally.
And you don’t even get the police-accompanied, light-running funeral procession unless you(r survivors) pay for it. So, I figure, if you aren’t going to enjoy it, and THEY aren’t going to enjoy it…Totally gypped.
Amen!! The only other certainty is the fact that cockroaches will be the only survivors should there be a nuclear holocaust… Very dismal indeed.
I am sure you could get some type of serious police escort if you commit a major crime.