The Day Has Come! Oh EVIL Day!

It’s here! It’s time! It’s arrived! The Day! The Evil Day! YEEEEEES!

*ahem* I’m totally cool and collected and not out-of-control-excited AT ALL.

So… yes. The Evil League of Evil is finally accepting applications. Right? DUDE. I’m only saying!

Naturally I have had my application at the ready for MONTHS, so my “Horrible Evil Sidekick” video is up and Super Evil Chassy is ready to kick boo-TAY and take names and… other horrible, water-related evil stuff!

Thanks to Charlotte and Sue and my friend Jen for the heads-up. Apparently, my Dr. Horrible Newsletter announcing the opening with the ELE got lost in the email or something! Yo! What up, Dr. H?!

The following is my official application to the Evil League of Evil. I think it’s pretty solid this year.

Dear Evil League of Evil:

Here’s my application! I ain’t no stinkin’ henchman!

FYI: I can help with any kind of water-related evil. You know, with the evil goggles of watery evilness and whatnot? Water boarding, Chinese water torture, synchronized swimming… the works.

Hmmm… Was that too braggy?

In any event:

That’s it. Fingers crossed.

XOXO Gossip Girl Rawks!

Lily getting what she deserves for being so ridiculous as to pick Bart-the-father-of-I’m-Chuck-(the evil spawn)-Bass over cute ol’ Rufus? Awesome.

Little J getting what she deserves for daring to cross Queen Bee? QUEEN FREAKING BEE?! Super awesome.

Vanessa getting what she deserves for… well, just being totally annoying, not to mention wearing children’s art supplies as accessories and sporting the weed-WACK ‘do? All is right in the Gossip Girl World.

But Dan? Self-righteously and undeservedly lashing out at Serena? And essentially calling her a spoiled rich slut? One too many times, I might add? And telling her to own up to it? And totally unleashing the righteous fury of a Queen S scorned?! And getting the public humiliation smackdown his tortured, I’m-So-Misunderstood-and-Poor-and-Blah-Blah-Self-Righteous-Blahdy-Blah self so richly deserves?! From the newly reborn Serena who is now the scariest freaking badass ever?!

So! Freaking! AWESOME! You go, Badass Serena. But go easy on Blair, mm’kay? She’s had it rough, with her Lord totally doing it with his stepmom and all.

Oh, how I’ve missed you, oh television goodness. Promise to NEVER go away again.

No Assembly Required

There’s nothing like heading off to work when one’s head feels ten times too large for one’s body, all heavy and congested and whatnot, and that is not to even mention the sneezing and the hacking cough an the achiness radiating thoughout one’s body. And by “one’s” I mean “MINE.”

Yup. I’m like a limited edition Sick Bobblehead Chassy Cat.

On clearance.

Why, Nutzilla, What Big Acorns You Have…

FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – AFTERNOON – ESTABLISHING

Late summer leaves litter the sidewalk in a quiet, kempt suburban neighborhood.

EXT. SIDEWALK – AFTERNOON

It’s the time of day when the air cools enough for a comfortable afternoon walk. Cars passing by can be heard in the background as MOMMA walks with her DAUGHTERS, MACK, 10, a thoughtful, artistic girl with an eye out for acorns and large sticks, and ALLI, 9, an energetic girl sporting pigtails, Heelies, and some serious attitude. The conversation is already in progress, and MOMMA appears to be listening to ALLI’s chatter, but just barely.

Momma and Mack walk out in front, while Alli rolls around behind on her Heelies.

ALLI
… and then this whole group of squirrels totally ganged up on me and threw acorns at me!

MOMMA
Hmmm. Interesting.

MACK
Well, maybe you shouldn’t throw berries at them first, then.

MOMMA
(paying attention now)
You threw berries at squirrels?

ALLI
They started it!

MOTHER
O-kay.

MACK
Whatever. Squirrels just started throwing acorns at you. Right.

ALLI
Yes. They do that.

Momma and Mack walk on as Alli continues to chatter.

ALLI
… and, hey, Momma, what if there were giant squirrels throwing acorns at us, huh, Momma? That would be so crazy, right, Momma?

MOMMA
(totally paying attention… except not)
Mm-hmm. Crazy.

A MAN walks up the sidewalk from his parked car. Momma and Mack move aside to allow him to pass.

ALLI
(lost in her imagination)
… yeah, so there’d be this giant squirrel, Momma? And he’d be named Nutzilla and he’d have nuts as big as soccer balls!

Momma blinks. One feels that she is acutely aware of the Man’s wide-eyed, what-kind-of-mother-ARE-you glance as he passes by; she bites her lip and looks resolutely forward. Then,

MACK
Oh dear…

That’s it. Momma’s stifled laughter erupts into full-on belly laughter as Mack begins to giggle. After a moment, Alli joins in.

MOMMA
(holding her stomach)
Oh! Oh! It hurts! My stomach! To laugh!

MACK
Nutzilla! Nutzilla!

MOMMA
With nuts! As big as SOCCER BALLS! His face! Did you see his face?!

The three pause on the sidewalk as Momma and Mack double over with shrieks of laughter. Alli laughs too, but less enthusiastically. Then Alli taps Momma on the arm.

ALLI
(still giggling)
Why are we laughing?
(looking from Momma to Mack)
Huh? Why are we laughing?

MACK
Oh DEAR! Nuts!

MOMMA
(wiping aways tears)
AS BIG AS SOCCER BALLS!

The two burst into fresh whoops of laughter as Alli looks on.

ALLI
(with arms akimbo)
Well, I still don’t get it.

Alli’s confused eyes are focused on Momma and Mack, who are wiping tears of laughter from their eyes.

ALLI
(to herself)
I don’t get it.

And… SCENE.

I know, right?

WORST. MOMMA. EVER.

And BWAH HA!

She Was There

This blog entry, written by Sarah Bunting (AKA: Sars of TWoP fame), is still the the best account I have ever read of the 9/11 attack in NYC– is “best” the right word here? I don’t know, I don’t know– from the point of view of a person who was there. Who watched it happen.

She wrote this account on Friday, September 14, 2001.

Never Forget?

I never will.

Thank you for the OC, Hulu. I owe you one. (Don’t judge.)

I am home sick with some sort of wicked stomach bug threatening to turn me inside out, make a party dress out of me, and wear me for dinner. Or something. Hmm… I’m pretty sure I mixed some metaphors there. Also? That was gross. Eh, I shall leave it. Because I am at one with the grossness today. Dude. GROSS.

That being said, when one does not want to venture too far from one’s… er, bedroom for fear of not being close enough to one’s… um, bedroom when it is necessary to USE said… okay, BATHROOM, fine! are you HAPPY?! GROSS!… then it should come as no surprise to me that I have finally given in to the machinations of fate which have been conspiring against me for years to further my already massive pop culture repertoire by finally giving in to the wily ways of those rascally kids from the O.C. And yet, here I am… surprised! Because did you HEAR me?! The O.C., people! Honestly! I never thought this day would come! I mean, I avoided this show for YEARS! Marissa Cooper who? Seth Cohen what? Summer who freaking cares? Ryan… yum?

Damn you, Hulu.com! DAMN YOU to HELL!

And yet… THANK YOU. Because hello? With the awesomeness?

I blame the illness. It’s the only explanation. I’m delirious. Right? RIGHT?! GAH!

Okay. So… anyone know when they are planning to post Season 2?

Anyone?

Jonah? He Ain’t Seen Nothing.

Conversation between two of my three-year-old nephews after Cool Big Cousin TD diplomatically took his Duncan Imperial yo-yo from one (Tot N) to let the other (Tot R) have his turn:

Tot N: (to TD) I hate you! I will kill you!

Tot R: Hey! Don’t say that! Else God will send a whale and it will EAT you!

Tot N: No! We don’t even live by the ocean!

Tot R: Well I know, but it will come out of the GROUND and eat you! And then it will spit you out of its blowhole and eat you AGAIN!

Tot N: (calmly) I will shoot him with a gun.

Tot R: (scandalized) HEY! YOU CAN’T SHOOT GOD’S WHALE!

Tot N thinks it over, shrugs.

Tot N: Okay. (then, to TD) Sorry.

TD: ….?

Dude. I love three-year-old logic. I do! Honestly. I mean, think. With that kind of logic, we could bring about Real Change…

Ellen Tackles the Hawaiian Chair

So, not to be totally melodramatic or anything, but I needed a laugh today. Like, a LOT. BIG lots. SOOOO many LOTS of… bigness. See? I NEEDED TO LAUGH! DO you GET what I’m SAYING?! Me! Needing to find the giggles! The happy, giggly, laughy place!

Okay. Maybe that was a little melodramatic. A tad drama queenish. But whatever. Because this? This clip from The Ellen DeGeneres show? Did the trick and THEN some.

OH! OH! That Hawaiian Chair will be mine!

Oh, yes. It will be mine.

(Donations are totally expected accepted. A PayPal button should appear in my sidebar shortly. Thank you in advance for your generosity.)

The Power of the School Hair

When you are starting junior high, sometimes you need… a change. You know, something to give you a little ooomph in the confidence department. Right? Right? Because of the hell on earth you will soon be thrust into with only your magnetic locker organizer, a ridiculously confusing even-odd class schedule, and a TI-84 Plus graphing calculator clutched in your sweaty, junior high hands?! HUH?! AM I RIGHT?!

Oh. Sorry. My issues. Projecting. It happens.

So, anyway, check it out…

We’ve got our BEFORE (see the curls? the handsome, manly curls?):

We’ve got our DURING (see the bouffant? the slightly less manly bouffant? of Danny Zuko proportions?):

And we’ve got our AFTER (see the manly flat-ironed hair?! the way handsome, totally manly, flat-ironed hair?! on my BABY BOY?!):

Awesome. Watch out boy-crazy adolescent girls. Here comes my boy.

(Break his heart, and I WILL cut you.)