Performance Anxiety

I’m off my game.

It’s not my fault! I have the iPhone Game-Playing skillz! MAD skillz, I tell you! It’s just… well, the only time I really have to play games like Solitaire or Bejeweled or Critter Crunch or Wurdle on my iPhone is while commuting to and from work on the Metro. It sounds ideal, right? I mean, woo! That’s twenty-five minutes of solid gaming goodness right there! Each way! Depending on whether or not I snag a seat, which of course I always DO because I’m so small and absolutely wily in my seat-snagging ways!

But no.

Because when the train starts to get crowded (which it always does) and people smoosh up next to me (which they always do), all up in my bidness, I can’t concentrate. It’s not the noise or even the smells– although you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many people INHALE the garlic during cold season, apparently– it’s that I can feel their eyes on me. Watching me play. Judging me.

Oh, not judging me FOR playing. No. That wouldn’t bother me. I mean, I judge commuters all the time! With their primping and their loud cellphone talking and their selfish seat-hogging way of feigning sleep when the elderly or blind board the train. Whatever. What I meant to say is they judge my PLAYING.

Are you there yet?

And honestly, how am I supposed to concentrate on beating my high scores on Wurdle or Solitaire when I can feel the guy next to me armchair-quarterbacking my game?!

“Wow, I can’t believe she threw away that card… No, you CAN’T cover your Jack of Spades with a black ten, duh!… Where’d this joker learn to play?!… Heh, I said ‘joker’… Good GOD, woman! Play your five! Play the FIVE!”

So I spend the majority of my time shifting around to position myself and my game away from any prying eyes, all the while worrying some fed-up gamer is going to rip my phone right out of my hands and scream, “No, FOOL! THIS is how you play Critter Crunch! Now pay attention! ARE YOU WATCHING OR WHAT?!” and everyone else will applaud and pump their fists and say things like, “Right on!” and “You go!” and “Show her how to get ‘er done!” Because that could totally happen! You don’t know! It could! Or maybe I’m projecting… No, no, it could happen.

So… like I said, I’m off my game.

*sigh*

Suggestions?