A DWM Cautionary Tale

November 6, 2013

There are a few universal truths:

A pot should never call the kettle black.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

And people with large, uncovered windows in their front and side doors shouldn’t cook dinner in their underwear (or naked, for that matter), or so I’ve tried to teach TGIM.

So just before dinner last night, when the doorbell rang, TGIM dropped the spatula he’d been wielding (manfully!) and sprinted for the stairs, yelling, “Whoa! What the…?! Someone get that! I’m in my underwear!”

Even though I was super busy laughing and yelling after him, “See?! See, TGIM?! This is why!” I could still hear Paige’s daughter Kate’s voice carrying through the house as soon as Alli opened the front door.

“Hi! Um, I’ve been standing at your side door for, like, ten minutes…”

It was dark AND I was in the next room, but I could still hear the blush in her voice.

“I didn’t know what to do…” she said, obviously holding back laughter. “I just need to pick up some rabbit food!”

(Okay. It’s not as if she hadn’t already seen him in his cycling outfit, but still.)

So, of course TGIM, once properly pantsed up (panted?), went out and got in everyone’s face, helping TD get Kate some rabbit food, all tra la la, I have pants on, it never happened, tra la la, this isn’t awkward, if I talk enough everyone will forget, la di da!

“That’s not enough. Here, have some more!” TGIM offered, shoveling more rabbit food into the bag Kate was holding.

“No, it’s okay—”

“No, no, have some more!”

“But, we only need—”

“No worries! It’s yours! We’re good here! Take it!”

Awkward.

After Kate drove away, fully stocked with pretty much all the rabbit food we owned, and we finally sat down to dinner, I turned to TGIM and said, “Well, I’m just glad she didn’t see you in Superman underwear or something.”

The kiddos burst into giggles when, with perfect composure, TGIM replied, “Yesterday, she would have.”

Out of Context

August 7, 2013

Recent conversations, that when taken out of context, are somewhat perplexing. And freaking awesome.

Out of Context – Phone conversations with Mack.

Phone chat #1:

Cat: How was your day, Mack?

Mack: I watched a bunch of videos on YouTube about how to neuter a dog.

Cat: Nice.

Mack: Yeah. I could practically do it myself.

Phone chat #2:

Cat: How’re things going?

Mack: I’m getting more responsibilities!

Cat: Yay!

Mack: Yep. They send me for the drugs now.

Phone chat #3:

Cat: Did you have a good day?

Mack: Today I watched Gordon castrate a pig!

Cat: Sweet! Also, yuck.

Mack: I didn’t pass out this time.

Cat: *proud*

Phone chat #4:

Mack: Momma, cats on drugs are so scary! But funny.

Cat: Right. Just say no.

Mack: They DROOL.

Cat: Gross.

In Context – Hannah Mack is visiting my sister. My sister who lives with her cattle rancher husband on a large ranch in Super Small Town, New Mexico. My sister who has no freaking idea what she is supposed to feed my vegetarian daughter, who is volunteering with/shadowing the local veterinarian for the summer.

Right?! I know. You just can’t make up this stuff.

Out of Context – Conversation at dusk last night, between my son and Paige’s daughter, who were hanging out on the porch hammock watching our bunnies frolic on the lawn. (Yes, bunnies frolic. At least ours do. For reals. Frolic like crazy.)

Kate to TD, as TGIM rides his bike up the driveway and stops to say hello: (admiringly) “When I’m an adult, I’m going to wear an outfit JUST like that to embarrass my kids.”

Cat: *cough* nofilter! *cough*

TGIM: “Absolutely. That’s exactly why I put this on.”

In Context – Actually, even in context, that one is pretty darn hilarious. And squarely on-the-nose. Let’s see, how to explain, how to explain… okay, did you ever see that episode of Malcolm in the Middle, when Hal takes up speed walking?

Yes?

Well, there you go.

 

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Text Messaging Fun

July 30, 2013

I just received a mysterious text message from TGIM.

TGIM:  i just kerf

Okay. I’m not really sure what a kerf is, but I hope it’s something fun! Because TGIM deserves a little fun in his life. He’s such a great guy, and a–

–wait, here’s another!

TGIM: left  🙁

Oh.

The Drive-by Randomness Gene Mystery

May 21, 2013

TD: “Mom, can you help me make holi dye?”

TGIM: “Son, you can’t murder Holly! That would be wrong.”

Who passed on the quirky drive-by randomness gene? Mystery solved.

More Drive-by Randomness

April 11, 2013

TGIM: “Cat! Do we have any crackers?”
TD: “Crackers?! Dad, that’s racist!”

I seriously [heart] my family.

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