I’m Taking a Stand

Pockets are handy. You know? You can put stuff in them. You can keep your hands warm in them. Sometimes you find money in them. See? Handy! I am going to take a stand and say that pockets are good.

So yesterday, when I found myself pocketless– don’t ask how this happened, I have no idea what craziness compelled me to buy pocketless pants– I was at a loss. Where was I supposed to put stuff? And what if my hands got cold?! Huh? What then? And I’m not going to lie, a little windfall of forgotten change for a Diet Dr. Pepper would not have been unwelcome, thank you VERY much William Willet. (Damn you, Daylight Savings Time! DAMN YOU.)

So when I realized it was imperative to my workday productivity– and quite honestly, my usefulness as a human being in general– that I get caffeine in my system, like, STAT, I was like, “Oh, NO!” Right out loud, just like that. Because of the pockets? That weren’t there? Hello? Where was I supposed to put my MONEY? Honestly. I can’t just walk around clutching a dollar. Do you know how often I misplace my belongings? Do you?! Do you know how often I absently set things down and walk away? DO YOU?! Well, it is OFTEN, I tell you what. Which is very inconvenient, I must say, especially when that thing I set down is my wallet (in a grocery cart) or my child (also in a grocery cart). Oh, that last part was a joke. Clearly! I would never misplace my children! As far as you know!

And then, as so often happens when one’s back is pressed to the wall, I had a moment of epiphany. Heart hammering, I checked to see if the coast was clear– ohmygosh!– it was– ohmygoodness!– so without further hesitation I folded up that dollar bill and tucked it right into my bra. DUDE! I know, right?! I employed the classic bra stash! And let me tell you, that is not something I had ever considered. Not even remotely. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, the bra? Not exactly sartorially relevant in my life. Hey, I’m just saying that it doesn’t have to work very hard for me, and seems more of a nuisance than a help, what with the slipping straps and the stress of coordinating colors and whatnot. And let’s just say that the women who regularly bra stash as portrayed in TV and film are not exactly my peers in the *ahem* boobilicious department. Yet, here I was, actually getting some mileage from my heretofore irrelevant undergarments! SWEET.

Well, let me tell you, once I realized that my money was safely stowed away, safe from being misplaced, I felt pretty good. Sassy, even. I had MONEY in my BRA. How cool is that?! As I strolled with a bit of a jaunty air– hey, don’t judge– to the employee lounge, I imagined all sorts of other items that could be stowed away… business cards, sticks of gum, credit cards, notes with passwords or phone numbers… oh, the possibilities!

As I approached the vending machine, I decided that loose change was out of the question, clearly, but was a price I was willing to pay for peace of mind when I am caught pocketless and unawares. Coming out of my pleasant reverie, I nodded hello to the person standing at the next vending machine. Then I noticed the fifteen or so other people in the lounge, milling about. I could feel their eyes on me. Watching. Waiting. It’s like they KNEW or something! And they were judging me for my wanton ways! I mean, there was MONEY in my BRA! And, what? Was I just going to reach in and brazenly pull my dollar out of my bra, just like that?! Good LORD! I hadn’t thought this through!

STOP STARING AT ME! I thought, my heart beating wildly…

As a line began to form behind me, I realized I would have to suck it up or remain in my present state of decaffeinated non-productivity.

Caffeine won.

I slowly turned back to the machine, took a deep breath, and with my flushed face proudly held aloft I reached into my shirt, fished out my folded dollar bill, and snapped it open with a flourish. Ha! I thought. Take THAT, judgmental bystanders! And when that can of Diet Dr. Pepper finally dropped– thunk thunk! – I calmly retrieved it… and I got the hell out of there, vowing to donate my pocketless pants to the needy and leave bra stashing to the experts, by golly.

So… yeah. Pockets are handy. I’m taking a stand.

Why I Love My Job, Reason #258

Oh. Em. GEE. Guys? GUYS?! Guess WHAT?! I arrived at work, and there they were! I kid you not! Just right there! In my cubicle! There I was, moseying into work, just minding my own grumpy Monday morning business, then BLAMMO! TASTY BEVERAGE! So beautiful, like a towering pyramid of caffeinated goodness, all geometrical and Dr. Peppery and whatnot…

*sigh*

Ha! Take THAT, 3rd Floor Lounge Diet Dr. Pepper Thief.

Just Wondering

I’m just wondering if it is kosher to sneak walk into a lounge super early in the morning and buy several cans of soda from the vending machine. You know, at one time. Like, “Do de do de do, I’m just dropping quarter after quarter after quarter into this machine and buying up all the soda– clink, clink, clink, THUNK… clink, clink, clink, THUNK– even though this isn’t even my floor and why on earth do I even need six cans of soda at 6:00 a.m. anyway, do de do de do…”

Oh, I’m not judging. I’m just throwing it out there. Because what if lunch time rolls around and someone is craving, say, I don’t know, a Diet Dr. Pepper, for instance, and some person who doesn’t even work on the 3rd floor has already snuck gone into the 3rd floor lounge super early in the morning– you know, before any sane normal person has even thought of indulging in a tasty soda beverage– and bought all the cans? Can you imagine the disappointment? Especially when it is discovered that all that remains in the vending machine is grape soda? GRAPE SODA?!

I mean, that kind of sneaky behavior just seems like it might be selfish. And bad manners. To me, anyway. But I don’t know. I could be totally wrong. I’m just saying that other people may want some Diet Dr. Pepper, too, but they have been taught from an early age that it isn’t polite to hoard the soda that is purportedly intended to be shared in an equitable manner by everyone on the 3rd floor– a floor on which some people who are stealing purchasing all the good soda may not even work, I might add. I’m just asking. I realize I could be completely wrong here.

In any event, all of this is not to even mention the fiscal ramifications of such greediness behavior. I mean, why do we have access to wholesale warehouses like Costco or BJ’s, if not to supply selfish people consumers with cases and cases of any type of soda they desire? All at a reasonable price designed to fit any budget? Hey, I just think a membership at a wholesale warehouse seems like a more fiscally responsible choice if a person is looking to buy in bulk. All those quarters add up, you know. That’s all I’m saying. But who am I to say? I’m not the soda police.

I was just wondering, is all.